On Life and Control

There are so many things about myself, my life, and my world that I would change if I had control. That's the strange thing about control: if we don't have complete control, we often assume we have none at all. There is, of course, a middle ground.

That middle ground is where we find things like resolutions, goals, and lists. It is the only space wherein we truly have control, and the only avenue by which we can change our lives. So why don't we? I think we're all afraid of being vulnerable, weak, or a failure.

Power of Vulnerability

This past year, I was forced to let go and see where my road would take me. Although my transition is a private matter, there are experiences which bleed into my public life which I have little control over. Simple things like getting dressed for the day, using the restroom, or interacting with old friends suddenly became a vulnerable moment. Demystifying femininity (see: Whipping Girl, Julia Serano) required letting my guard down, too -- something I rarely did over the past 29 years. Becoming a mother gave me a new set of emotions and vulnerabilities that I thought I would never have.

All in all, though, I discovered the power of vulnerability and weakness. When we allow ourselves to let our firewalls down, open some incoming ports, and allow connections through to our souls, there is a whole new world of experiences to be had. Does that make me potentially exploitable? Absolutely. Is it worth it? Absolutely.


As we enter a new year, 2015, I've decided to make a few subtle changes to my habits. In doing so I hope to make a healthy, well read, and expressive life for myself. You can call these resolutions, goals, or whatever you'd like to call them. For me, they are drivers towards a better me. Will I achieve all of these? Probably not. Statistically speaking, the odds of actually keeping my New Year's resolutions are stacked against me.

  • Write more; blog, write guest posts, write stories.
  • Read more; knock out the Goodreads list.
  • Code more; play with Node, Python and Ruby again.
  • Make more; get involved with the maker movement again.
  • Learn how to cook; cook most meals and like them!
  • Exercise regularly and eat well.
  • Love more; give Alistair, Ali, Mum & Dad, yourself, family and friends more love.
  • Find a style that works for me and own it. Clear out everything else.
  • Go outside. Enjoy the ocean, the lake, and everything in between.
  • Clean up and make it yours; make the house a place you want to live. Minimize.
  • Express yourself. Stop being afraid of showing others who you are.